Celebrities are (rightfully) about getting while the getting's good. None, not even the once proud Stone Cold Steve Austin, can count on extra time tacked onto their 15 minutes of fame, no matter if they were a firefighter before they got famous, or a butterfly in a past life (Gosling).
Hence all the cash grabs. Ozzy Osbourne's I Can't Believe It's Not Butter campaign. Tommy Lee Jones' left-field appearance in this unibrow- and Japanese telecommunications-touting ad. Bob Dylan—once the Dennis the Menace of the corporate world—and his purported $5 million payday of a Chrysler commercial.
Any unused branding opportunity is money on the table. Here are a few of the most egregious unattempted slam-dunks.
Kendrick Lamar, Soda Mogul
Drake already paved the way for the rapper-cum-carbonated beverage salesman. Instead of limiting himself to Sprite, Kendrick should aim higher: the soda industry at large. He'd barely have to change his raps:
I can taste the changes / this new Coke's amazing / to you that's a quick sip / with all disrespect / let me say this...
I am a sipper / who's prolly gonna sip again / Lord forgive me / Lord forgive me / 23 flavors I don't understand / sometimes I need a soda can / Bitch don't drink my Sprite
All right? That's enough.
Stone Cold Steve Austin, Cold Stone Creamery
Eight words: Cold Stone's Stone Cold Steve Frostin' Ice Cream. Just $3.16 per scoop.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Ardbeg Scotch
The best way to drive a man to drink is to repeatedly remind him how small he is in the grand scheme of our ever-confounding universe. Why Ardbeg? Obviously because it was the first whiskey to be blasted into space. The future is space-whiskey, and the future is now.