How To Work From Home

Home Office

Ask any bed-headed twenty-something and they'll tell you the same thing, usually in unison: Telecommuting is the wave of the present. What they won't tell you is it's not as easy as it sounds. Here, a few tips to make sure you get the most out of your home office experience. 

1. Look the part. If you show up to work in your boxers, not only will you look like a piece of shit, you'll feel like one. That's bad for productivity, which is bad for the company, which is bad for the economy. And believe me, the last thing you want at nine in the morning is President Obama knocking down your door while you're still in your tighty-whities.

2. Your girlfriend is now your Boss. Whenever she comes home, you'd better be working. If she catches you slacking and tries to fire you—and she will—remind her that only he who is without sin shall cast the first stone. If she claims to be sinless, accuse her of blasphemy, a serious crime in your office. Tattle on her to the Lord later that night.

3. Keep strict office hours. With your bed just feet away from your desk, it can be tempting to let the work hours bleed into your off-time and vice-versa. Like trying to boil the milk out of your soupy instant-mac, this is a mistake. Keeping to a solid schedule will not only inspire you to work harder, but once your time is up, you'll feel better about having that beer with your co-workers afterwards during some good old-fashioned FaceTime.

4. Be flexible. When your pitches aren't landing and rent is right around the corner, you might need to take on another job to make ends meet. Don't worry. Cam boys make great money, and you can work practically whenever. And as that new Rashida Jones documentary proved, it's one of the most fulfilling jobs available to anyone, especially hot local singles in our area. 

5. Placement is essential. To keep your clients interested, put cameras all around your apartment so they can watch you 24/7. This way, you can reel in profits around the clock. But you'll also want to keep your new career a secret from the Boss, so make sure they're well hidden. Your best bet is to buy her several teddy bears (gifted to her over the course of several days of course) and hide cameras in their bellybuttons. Bonus points if you can convince Boss to wear a Go Pro around the house. 

6. Be flexible. Yoga. One hour, every day.

7. Stop watching Garden State. You've seen it three times this month, and all it's making you want to do is wear wallpaper-patterned clothing and stand in the corner at parties. And while you're at it, stop donating to the Wish You Were Here Kickstarter. That thing reached its goal like two years ago. 

8. Hire an intern. So long as you pad their resume, these tender brains will work for nothing. And since you work from home, their "extensive editing experience" can be put to use with trips to Goodwill, floor sweeping and those thank you letters for your Bar Mitzvah that you never got around to. It's win-win.

9. Blog instead of working. It's the best way to trick yourself into thinking you've been productive, and your mom will be delighted to learn what you've been up to.

10. Always think of a tenth thing. One for each finger.