• SHOVE IT UNDER YOUR HAT.

You sense that if someone were to walk in and see a cat's butt on a food surface, they might throw you in the gallows or something. But you don't want to hurt the animal.  You decide to cram it under your toque, Ratatouille-style. But just as you grab it by the scruff, it pipes up:

"Whoa whoa, now. Get your onion-smelling hands away from me before I call the cops."

My god, you think, Not only does this cat speak hyphen-perfect English, but he's got the voice of six-time NBA champion Michael Jordan. You look closer and sure enough, it's wearing four massive gold rings on each ankle like bangles, each with a jewel the size of a pearl onion.

"Michael?" you ask?

"Who else?" the cat retorts. "I don't know who you think you are or why you're at least ten times taller than I am, but you try and grab me again and I'm gonna cut your butt."